It's Not My Fault

awaken and empower what's within

2009-05-23T11:34:00.003-05:00

Do you ever think about the past, of what could've been?

I often find that I cannot seem to escape it. Although I am in the here and now, I seem to pass my days by reliving my past.

*****

I find myself sitting next to the new guy. Apparently he comes from a rather large family. Ten kids and he's the younger of the two males.

"How odd," I think, as he continues to turn around, checking himself in the mirror. It never fails, like clockwork, he wants to make sure nothing is out of place.

For reasons I don't understand, I'm drawn to him. Curiously, I stare. Wondering what makes any person look at himself so often. Turning again, I catch his eye. He looks at me and a smile breaks across his face.

I continue to look at him and without hesitation I ask, "Why do you that, I just don't understand?"

He chuckles and replies, "Because." He's still looking at me and I am him. Although he's given me an answer, I know there's more. I have to know, and as the seconds grow, so does my need to do so.

With each passing day, we draw closer, yet my question remains unanswered. We talk, we hang out, but despite the time together, I still don't have a response.

And then it happened, his hand found his way to my butt. To the outsider it would've seem like a friendly gesture, a "good game" tap if you will. But, it would've helped if were in gym, or in some kind athletic venture. Instead we are in class and I was returning to my seat.

Frozen and stunned, I slowly turn to look to him. And there in his eyes, I saw it. Something I've yet to see again. A look of longing, A look of wanting. It was in that moment I received my response. I had finally figured it out.

Armed with my answer, I sit down, acting as if it never happened. With each ticking second, my nerves grow ever more raw. My foot is tired from the constant tapping and my pencil is almost in two from the incessant tapping. Pushing the memory from my mind is not an easy task, but the ringing bell gives me reason to run.

I need time and I need space. I know what I want and what I should say, but I keep it all locked away.

*****

We never talked again, but that was my fault. I'd heard the rumors, and I didn't care. HE made me nervous, HE made me sweat, not the rumors. Deep inside I knew. I felt the same. Why I ignored it, I'll never know, but to this day, I wish it had been different. I know I can't the change the past, but it helps me look to the future.

Still, I can't help but wonder what would have been.

My return

2009-01-16T05:46:00.004-06:00

I have returned from the depths of nothingness to once again speak of my adventures.

I have started my new job, where I am living abroad in a new place, a new culture, a new country! It's so strange, I have expatriated from my comfortable home in the states, for a job in a country I know very little about. I accepted this position on blind faith and that this is the perfect job for me. It's so weird for me to be in a place where any wrong action or saying can get me arrested or worse....deported!

What I find very interesting is that gay people have literally no rights. That, and it's very illegal to be so. However anti homosexual this society is, it's very homosocial! Guys can walk around practically holding hands, hugging, linked arm in arm, yet being together is illegal!!!

What I find even more interesting is the amount of gay people here! Its seems to be quite a large number of the population.

Funny isn't it....frankly I just don't get it.

Most would call me crazy for moving here, but it was too great an opportunity to pass up.

I am loving it and I cannot wait to see what adventures await me! I am so going to take full advantage of my new job and do a lot of traveling. I've always wanted to travel the world and now I get too! I just can't wait and I promise to keep you updated on what it's like to live abroad and travel the world!

Sorry for lack of posting

2008-12-28T03:33:00.001-06:00

I would like to apologize for my long hiatus. Things for me have been nothing short of hectic! I promise to resume with blogging about what's going on in my world when the new year starts. Until then, I wish everyone a very happy, exciting and safe new year!

Missed Opportunities?

2008-11-24T12:50:00.005-06:00

Once again, I would like to apologize for the lack of posting, but it's been extremely hectic around my home. I am preparing for my big move and packing has consumed all my time.

However, it was during packing did the idea for this update came about. I was thinking about the past and how I let myself be in denial for so long. I started thinking about when I first started realizing things and asked myself, "How many chances have I possibly missed?" Be prepared, this is a long one!

My first chance:
My thoughts raced back to my early days of community college (yes, I went to community college, I had AWESOME grades back then, so it was paid for) and there was this one guy, we shall call him Jack. Jack was a very precarious person and oh so arrogant.

He was always telling these wild and ridiculous stories. No one believed him, yet we humored him. We became good friends and spent all kinds of time together. We would go out driving around at night and would just sit and talk about things. We even spent a few weekends together, just hanging out.

One day, I was being very lazy and didn't want to get out of bed. Jack had come by my dorm room and wanted to get lunch. I told him I didn't want to eat right then and I was too comfortable to move. Instead of giving up, or bringing back some food like I was hoping, he jumped in bed with me. (HUGE SIGN, yet I remained in denial)

Anyway, we laid in bed for a few minutes because my roommate got out of class early and had stopped by to pick some up books for his next class. I've never jumped out of a bed so fast!!!!

Another sign was during our drives at night and our explorations of campus. We would always go to these weird and secluded places. We would get out and explore, even around campus. It never failed, there was always some weird noise and we would run back to the dorms or his car. While we were running, he would always grab my hand and not let go until the car.

Despite all this, I was still in denial! Isn't it amazing what the human brain does to cope with things it doesn't want to accept!

The second chance:
After some roommate issues, I finally found a roommate I could tolerate. Well, I should say he found me. I had noticed him around campus and I thought he was quite attractive. He was different from most guys around the area, as he had a style all his own.

I didn't know his name and one day he showed up at my door saying "Hi Mo, I'm your new roommate." How he knew my name I didn't know, but he claimed to have met me. Weird I know! Anyway, we got along great. He was one of the best roommates I've ever had! It was also a strange friendship as his opinion of me was rather high.

Even to this day, his GF calls/text me saying he misses me and I need to come visit him. He's always let me get away with anything and always jumps on me when I see him in person. It's like he was seeking my approval, but I never did anything as I was still in denial!

The third chance:
Finally making it to a senior university, I spent the first few semester getting accustomed to my new surroundings and making new friends. I never really left my on-campus apartment and worked way too much for the campus media. One day, this guy walks into the media offices and I instantly found him to be intriguing. He came off as an arrogant ass, which made me not want to know him.

We eventually worked together for the tv station and I found him to be quite entertaining. The whole arrogant ass thing was a front to ward off fake friends, or so he said. Kyle, which is what we shall call him, was a lot of fun to hang with. We always had a good time. However, it just wasn't me and Kyle. My friend, whom we'll call Lola, was always with us. The three of us would always hang out. We would go to lunch together and have dinner every night. The main reason for dinner is because we would go directly to the bars afterwards. We practically went to the same bar every night!

After the bars we would head to Kyle's because it was relatively close and he had enough couch space for me and Lola. One night while pre-gaming at his place, Lola was attempting to play Kyle's guitar. She talked about how she always wanted to learn and how he needed to teach her. He sat across from her, not wanting to move from his chair, and told her where to place her fingers and how play certain chords.

Her fingers not willing to cooperate, Lola gave up and handed me the guitar. "Your turn," she said, as he continued to drink her beer. Interestingly enough, Kyle got up and came and sat right next to me. When I say right next to me, I mean practically on top of me. He took my hands and placed them in the proper positions and helped me play my first few chords. For me, being in denial and all, it was quite an uncomfortable experience. With each passing second, he seemed to move closer and closer. How he did, I don't know, because he was all in my personal space.

I got up and grabbed another beer, trying to avoid the awkward stare Lola was giving both of us. Later that night, Lola gave me a ride back to my place. All she could talk about is how weird the whole guitar thing was. She even asked me if I thought it was weird. I hesitantly agreed, but I can admit now, I actually enjoyed it.

During our many nights barhopping, Kyle always managed to bring a girl home with him. He also managed to make sure I crashed at his place. I would drink so much, I would pass out as soon as arrived at Kyle's. When I would wake up, the girl he brought would be on the other couch passed out. He would always make sure I knew that nothing happened. Lola would later inform me and things did happen and wondered why he told me different. He even went as far as to tell me how big he is and that he wanted to settle down with one person.

To this day, he still sticks with the nothing happened story!

The fourth chance: (out of denial and open to friends)
This summer I moved out and went to live with a friend. I moved far enough away to be open and free and became a frequent visitor to the gay bars. I didn't go to hook up like some of my friends. I went to enjoy the freedom and do a little dancing. One of the guys I usually went with was open about himself. We had a couple of interesting conversations as we talked about everything from sex to life in general. On the first night of knowing him, did some majoring dancing at the club. The next night we were out at dinner, (there was 3 of us there) and he gave me his food. (I later found out sharing is not one of his strong points.) There were always a lot of people hanging out where I lived and he always talked to me. We had some really good conversations. I found him to be really cute and really fun to be around. All my friends thought he was shy and stuck up. I never tried anything as I had to return home due to some unfortunate happenings at home. I regret not trying anything, but you live and you learn.

As I move on to the next phase of my life, I look back on all these (these were the major ones) and wonder what could have happened. Then it hits me that if something was meant to happen it would have. I take comfort in knowing there is a great guy out there waiting for me! I know he's out there and I will make sure I don't miss out on him!

My Apologies

2008-11-09T12:10:00.004-06:00

For those few readers I have, I would like to apologize for my recent absence. Amazingly enough, my life has taken an interesting turn and I am excited about the possibilities. I have been flying around the south part of the country, having interviews for a job.

Good News, I got the job. I am going to be doing what I love and the pay and perks are AWESOME! Of course, I am having to relocate, but in the spirit of anonymity, I cannot put where am I moving as it would give my identity away.

I am just really excited. I will be gone for a number of years, but am looking forward traveling the world!! (which I will now be able to do!!!) The opportunities this job offers is just so amazing. This offer came at the right time, as I was about to give up on ever finding one!!!!

2008-10-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Just like Mike....I love the show Supernatural! Last night's episode wasn't the best, but they made up for it with the video below, check it out!

For my Catholic readers...

2008-10-22T09:03:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Novena to St. Jude

O Holy St. Jude, Apostle and Martyr, great in virtue and rich in miracles, near kinsman of Jesus Christ, faithful intercessor of all who invoke your special patronage in time of need, to you I have recourse from the depth of my heart and humbly beg to whom God has given such great power to come to my assistance. Help me in my present and urgent petition. In return I promise to make your name known and cause you to be invoked. St. Jude pray for us all who invoke your aid. Amen.

Say three Our Fathers, three Hail Marys and Glorias. Publication must be promised. This Novena has never been known to fail.

Publication promised.

It was actually funny!

2008-10-19T12:27:00.003-05:00

I laughed a lot at this. She actually surprised me, I didn't expect the sketches to be so funny! Don't get me wrong, I still support Obama, but it was still funny!

Watch and Enjoy!

What to do...

2008-10-16T16:57:00.003-05:00

I need some help with this situation and instead of writing a very long and semi-detailed post, I will get straight to the point.

I have a friend, whom I will call Ron. He knows...everything. He's come to know this through my confirmation and mutual friends. The issue, I can't tell if he really is trying to be a friend or just trying to get info out of me.

We talk, on a semi-regular basis, but only through IM, Blackberry messenger or plain ol text.

I've known him for years, but only recently started talking/condfiding in him. Since he's been out longer than I have, I admit, I do turn to him when I need the occasional advice. He seems to be genuine, but I just can't tell if he's being a real friend or a just a coniving gossip whore.

What to do, what to do....

What happens when you try to be a friend...

2008-10-10T22:59:00.009-05:00

I have always considered myself an excellent judge of character. Although it pains me to say this, there are the few instances I have been wrong. Too bad for me it happened to be one of my best friends.

No, this is not the friend I mentioned in my last post (I shall call him Nash). This is in reference to my other best friend, someone I neglected to mention. Wally, which he will now be known as, was left out of my story because we are no longer on speaking terms.

He has played a large part in my story and I should've included him, but my spiteful side got the better of me and I decided to leave him out. Wally was also there from the beginning, being the second person I told. Little did I know that Wally too was going through the exact same things. Unlike me, however, Wally was in a relationship of 3 years with Regina.

From the beginning of it all, I, and Nash, were there for him. He helped him cope with things and eventually the three of us became an inseparable group. You couldn't find 3 people who were all completely different. I like to think it was those differences that kept our friendship strong. Anyway, back to the story, Wally and I were close. I was there for him through his difficulties with Regina, when he was going through his denial, when he was outed back home. I was there when he needed to cry.

He cried a lot.

Well, he was set to go to grad school and I was finally graduating from undergrad, I decided to move as well, because I had some good friends in the area. I finally made it but to due to several reasons, financial mainly, I was forced to return home.

When I left, Wally was beginning to change. He was no longer the person I knew. I understood he needed this, but it felt like he was turning his back on me. Weeks later I get a text from a mutual friend asking me to check on Wally because he's not "well." By well, he meant, being carried out of bars and sleeping with anything standing still long enough, very un-Wally like qualities.

Immediately I called Nash, as we suspected something like this might happen. Nash confirmed he had changed, being really short with him and treating him like crap. I sent him Wally a text to see if everything was okay, (text was the only way to get in touch him) and he completely went off on me. He insinuated that I was not a good friend, that I had kept things from him and he "wasn't in the mood" to talk to me.

I was hurt. I was just trying to check on him, like he had so many times with me. I never expected him to treat me this way. To retaliate, I responded in a not so pleasant manner. Weeks went by and not a word on either side. I eventually broke the silence telling him I just wanted to make sure he was okay. His response, "You owe me an apology."

It didn't happen.

If I am in the wrong, someone tell me! What do you think? Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong, but whatever, that's what I get for trying to be a friend.

Jumping right in...

2008-10-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

It's time for me to stop hiding, time for me come out of the shadows and begin to share my story. Two summers ago, something happened that I did not expect. Since then, my life has been one roller coaster ride after another as I soon began to learn who my real friends were and who I could really trust.

I will begin, if I can, from the beginning of my story and try to explain how I have ended up here with this blog.

As far back as I can remember, I have always been different. Well, I wouldn't say different as much as my own person. I have never really let others affect my judgement as I have always made up my own mind.

Two summers ago is when my strength was tested. After a night of drinking and partying with some friends, I awoke the next morning laying to someone I've never met. For most college students this isn't a big deal. However, it was for me because I woke up next to a guy.

Needless to say, I freaked out!

For years, people had asked if I was gay or not, but I always denied it, trying to convince myself I did, indeed like girls. This forced me to face issues I was not at all prepared to deal with. I was so busy with my schoolwork and job, it never really left for a social life, It was easy to cast things aside and not think about such things. I told myself I couldn't be gay. I had dated a few girls, but nothing ever seemed to workout. I would lie awake at night thinking...is it possible?

Months later, I was still dealing with this issue, when one of my best friends comes to me and tells me that he too is gay and is currently seriously dating someone.

For a moment, I felt relief! Someone to talk too, the only problem...telling him. I begin to drop hints and he could tell something was up. Finally, I confessed everything to him and am glad I did. Without him, I would've gone crazy.

I have finally accepted who am I and am proud of who I am! I have realized life too short waste time on trivial things and plan to enjoy the surprises fate has in store for me!