Once again, I would like to apologize for the lack of posting, but it's been extremely hectic around my home. I am preparing for my big move and packing has consumed all my time.
However, it was during packing did the idea for this update came about. I was thinking about the past and how I let myself be in denial for so long. I started thinking about when I first started realizing things and asked myself, "How many chances have I possibly missed?" Be prepared, this is a long one!
My first chance:My thoughts raced back to my early days of community college (yes, I went to community college, I had AWESOME grades back then, so it was paid for) and there was this one guy, we shall call him Jack. Jack was a very precarious person and oh so arrogant.
He was always telling these wild and ridiculous stories. No one believed him, yet we humored him. We became good friends and spent all kinds of time together. We would go out driving around at night and would just sit and talk about things. We even spent a few weekends together, just hanging out.
One day, I was being very lazy and didn't want to get out of bed. Jack had come by my dorm room and wanted to get lunch. I told him I didn't want to eat right then and I was too comfortable to move. Instead of giving up, or bringing back some food like I was hoping, he jumped in bed with me. (HUGE SIGN, yet I remained in denial)
Anyway, we laid in bed for a few minutes because my roommate got out of class early and had stopped by to pick some up books for his next class. I've never jumped out of a bed so fast!!!!
Another sign was during our drives at night and our explorations of campus. We would always go to these weird and secluded places. We would get out and explore, even around campus. It never failed, there was always some weird noise and we would run back to the dorms or his car. While we were running, he would always grab my hand and not let go until the car.
Despite all this, I was still in denial! Isn't it amazing what the human brain does to cope with things it doesn't want to accept!
The second chance:After some roommate issues, I finally found a roommate I could tolerate. Well, I should say he found me. I had noticed him around campus and I thought he was quite attractive. He was different from most guys around the area, as he had a style all his own.
I didn't know his name and one day he showed up at my door saying "Hi Mo, I'm your new roommate." How he knew my name I didn't know, but he claimed to have met me. Weird I know! Anyway, we got along great. He was one of the best roommates I've ever had! It was also a strange friendship as his opinion of me was rather high.
Even to this day, his
GF calls/text me saying he misses me and I need to come visit him. He's always let me get away with anything and always jumps on me when I see him in person. It's like he was seeking my approval, but I never did anything as I was still in denial!
The third chance:Finally making it to a senior university, I spent the first few semester getting accustomed to my new surroundings and making new friends. I never really left my on-campus apartment and worked way too much for the campus media. One day, this guy walks into the media offices and I instantly found him to be intriguing. He came off as an arrogant ass, which made me not want to know him.
We eventually worked together for the
tv station and I found him to be quite entertaining. The whole arrogant ass thing was a front to ward off fake friends, or so he said. Kyle, which is what we shall call him, was a lot of fun to hang with. We always had a good time. However, it just wasn't me and Kyle. My friend, whom we'll call Lola, was always with us. The three of us would always hang out. We would go to lunch together and have dinner every night. The main reason for dinner is because we would go directly to the bars afterwards. We practically went to the same bar every night!
After the bars we would head to Kyle's because it was relatively close and he had enough couch space for me and Lola. One night while
pre-gaming at his place, Lola was attempting to play Kyle's guitar. She talked about how she always wanted to learn and how he needed to teach her. He sat across from her, not wanting to move from his chair, and told her where to place her fingers and how play certain chords.
Her fingers not willing to cooperate, Lola gave up and handed me the guitar. "Your turn," she said, as he
continued to drink her beer. Interestingly enough, Kyle got up and came and sat right next to me. When I say right next to me, I mean practically on top of me. He took my hands and placed them in the proper positions and helped me play my first few chords. For me, being in denial and all, it was quite an uncomfortable experience. With each passing second, he seemed to move closer and closer. How he did, I don't know, because he was all in my personal space.
I got up and grabbed another beer, trying to avoid the awkward stare Lola was giving both of us. Later that night, Lola gave me a ride back to my place. All she could talk about is how weird the whole guitar thing was. She even asked me if I thought it was weird. I hesitantly agreed, but I can admit now, I actually enjoyed it.
During our many nights barhopping, Kyle always managed to bring a girl home with him. He also managed to make sure I crashed at his place. I would drink so much, I would pass out as soon as arrived at Kyle's. When I would wake up, the girl he brought would be on the other couch passed out. He would always make sure I knew that nothing happened. Lola would later inform me and things did happen and wondered why he told me different. He even went as far as to tell me how big he is and that he wanted to settle down with one person.
To this day, he still sticks with the nothing happened story!
The fourth chance: (out of denial and open to friends)
This summer I moved out and went to live with a friend. I moved far enough away to be open and free and became a frequent visitor to the gay bars. I didn't go to hook up like some of my friends. I went to enjoy the freedom and do a little dancing. One of the guys I
usually went with was open about himself. We had a couple of
interesting conversations as we talked about everything from sex to life in general. On the first night of knowing him, did some majoring dancing at the club. The next night we were out at dinner, (there was 3 of us there) and he gave me his food. (I later found out sharing is not one of his strong points.) There were always a lot of people hanging out where I lived and he always talked to me. We had some really good conversations. I found him to be really cute and really fun to be around. All my friends thought he was shy and stuck up. I never tried anything as I had to return home due to some
unfortunate happenings at home. I regret not trying anything, but you live and you learn.
As I move on to the next phase of my life, I look back on all these (these were the major ones) and wonder what could have happened. Then it hits me that if something was meant to happen it would have. I take comfort in knowing there is a great guy out there waiting for me! I know he's out there and I will make sure I don't miss out on him!
